Humor

SOME NOTABLE WOMEN

A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn’t have correct change for the fare.

The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.
He caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won’t move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,
“If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus , no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat.
Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,
“If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman  leaned over and said to her, “I know this is none of my business, but what is it that you’ve got, anyway?


The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, “
Chutzpah.”

 

The Power of a Bible Thumping Woman

An elderly woman was returning home from a Thursday mid-week service at her local church.  As she unlocked her door, an intruder startled her.

She caught the man in the very act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,

‘STOP! Acts 2:38!’

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer handcuffed the man to take him to gaol, he asked the burglar, ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was quote a scripture to you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘I thought the lady had an axe and two 38′s!’

Biblical Footnote The Book of Acts Chapter 2, Verse 38 says : Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.

The Little Old Italian Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ” Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent… stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing.”

 

OLDER LADIES: Who Is There?

Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, ‘Some times I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich’.

The second lady chimed in, ‘Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.’

The third one responded, ‘Well, I am glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood, ‘as she rapped her knuckles on the table.  She looked up and said, ‘That must be the door, I’ll get it!’

Funny Little Old Lady Church Signs

  • · Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
  • · The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
  • · For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • · Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday. We need lots volunteers to join the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The WIDOWS will need extra attention.
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